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How can I release my inner badass?

Well, it’s Sunday, or as some people like to call it, the Other Sabbath (nobody calls it this). To mark this special occasion I decided to lay down the Dragon spread and ask it the most important and pressing question on my mind: “How do I unleash my inner badass?” Harken yonder, and we shall hear what wisdom the great Dragon shall dispense to us.

The Fool is at the heart of the Dragon, the position which marks the heart of the question. Since the Fool often represents infinite possibilities, this means that the problem is really one of having too many options; there are so many ways to be a badass, how do I pick just one!? Perhaps the Dragon’s Words will show me the way!

The Queen of Cups crosses the heart of the Dragon, meaning it illuminates the internal obstacles that are keeping me from attaining my objective. Since the Queen of Cups represents being sensitive and caring, obviously my problem is that I’m being too nice! It’s time to stop  taking names and start chewing bubblegum! Or uh, something.

Now really, this tells us all the essential information we need to know. However, the Dragon might eat us if we try to sneak off while he’s still talking, so we’d better pay attention to the rest of what He has to say.

The Chariot sits at the base of the Dragon’s tail, meaning it is the foundation of the question, or why I am even asking it at all. Obviously because I’m not a total badass yet, duh! And since the Chariot symbolizes determination and dominating the competition, it agrees with me. Thanks Chariot. Way to be a bro.

The Star is at the next length of the Dragon’s tail, meaning it illuminates the external obstacles that are in my way, and the challenges I’ll have to overcome. Since the Star represents chillaxin’ and relaxin’, that means my biggest problem will be people and things that cause me stress; looks like I’ll have to punch stress right through the face!

Strength is the tip of the Dragon’s tail, foreshadowing unknown and unforseen events surrounding the question. Since Strength represents stamina and endurance as well as, you know, strength, this obviously means I need to kick my workout routine into high gear to reach the Next Level and save the world! Probably.

The Knight of Wands rests at the base of the left wing of the Dragon, speaking to my deeply-felt hopes. Since my deeply-felt hope is to become an ultimate badass, the adventurous and daring Knight of Wands is an appropriate card.

The Four of Wands rests at the base of the right wing of the Dragon, giving voice to my darkest fears. Since my darkest fear is to not become an ultimate badass, the Four of Wands, representing celebration and being recognized (or in this case NOT being recognized), is very appropriate for this position.

The Two of Cups resides at the tip of the Dragon’s left wing, which sheds light upon the best possible outcome for me right now. Because the Two of Cups represents making a connection and bringing together opposites, that means that I need find another Ascending Badass and team up Double Dragon style to lay the smackdown on some unsuspecting suckers! Mutant toads optional.

The Ten of Swords resides at the tip of the Dragon’s right wing, revealing the worst possible outcome in this situation. Since the Ten of Swords represents hitting rock bottom and drowning in self pity, the absolute worst possible thing I could do is become an insufferable whiny bitch and just take life’s punishment laying down. Screw you, life! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these?? I’ll get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down! You’ll RUE the day you thought you could give me lemons! Just Who The Hell Do You Think I Am!?!?

Er…what was I talking about?

The High Priestess rides the neck of the dragon, the position describing how my past has influenced and is influencing my current circumstances relating to my quest to become a badass. This card represents one who crosses boundaries and seeks hidden knowledge. This describes my journey to badassery so far as one of searching for the Lost Art of the masters and the Secret Technique that will allow me to bring down a rain of punishment upon my enemies.

The Seven of Cups forms the head of the Dragon, the position describing my present moment and the current state of affairs regarding my badassdom. This card is all about having to choose to chase the dream or settle for less. It basically means I have a decision to make: do I want to shoot for the stars and risk hitting the moon, or do I want to reach for what I know is attainable. Basically, I could either become the Best of the Best of non-badasses, or maybe only become a bottom-tier badass with low prospects for promotion.

I think we both know he answer to that, don’t we?

The Hermit and the King of Swords both reside in the fiery breath of the Dragon, representing the most likely outcome of the question. The King of Swords says that it’s my quick thinking and tenacity that will carry the day. The Hermit tells me that I will master the Secret Technique, I will achieve ultimate badassery…but I’ll be alone at the top. I stand solitary against the demon hordes of stupidity and mediocrity, my allies having either fallen by the wayside or busy fighting their own battles. It is mine and mine alone to follow the path to badassdom, joining the ranks of other Ultimate Badasses fighting the good fight all over the world.

And thus does the Dragon end his sermon, dispensing wisdom to future badass initiates and snapping up the unworthy for a mid-afternoon snack. Pay heed to the Dragon, children.  He is as cruel as he is wise, and he loves to play favorites.

[This reading was done on 9/29/13 at 10:45pm]

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One Comment

  1. This was awesome! Just the way you wrote this post out, I can totally tell you’re on your way to being an ultimate badass


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