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Will I be the very best, like no one ever was?

Sometimes I look around in my life and see all the busy people going about their busy lives, all the structure and routine, all the roads and concrete walls, and I just think: Where’s the adventure? These days our idea of adventure is discovering a new drink at Starbucks. What happened to going to places unknown and unseen? What happened to going out and chasing a little danger with your friends? What happened to dragging around a cadre of fighting animals to engage in a bit of casual blood sport? Er..

Today is going to be different. Today I embrace adventure. Today, I go on a journey of discovery and triumph. To that effect, my question for this reading is “Will I become the very best? Specifically, like no one ever was?”

In the spirit of that question, I’m using a modified version of a modified version of the Pokéball spread by hellboundwitch on Tumblr. My version is an expanded and more thorough variation that will take us all the way through the eight Gym badges and the Elite Four. I normally don’t listen to music when I do a reading, but I was definitely blasting this the whole way through (and this. and this.) I’ll be honest, I came up with half of it on the spot, so I have no idea how most of this is supposed to be interpreted, but I bet it will be fun trying to find out!

The first thing to do is to find out what kind of Pokémon you have and how best to use it. To that end we will use a simple three-card spread and examine the element and core nature of each card, and thus determine the Pokémon.

Who's That Pokemon?

So here we have the Moon, flanked by the Wheel of Fortune and the Knight of Swords. The Moon, while affiliated with Water, is also heavily linked to the subconscious and psychic abilities, and with the Wheel and the Knight being Air cards, and the Knight being of the suit of Swords symbolizing mental prowess, this Pokemon is definitely a Psychic type. So Which Pokémon do we know is a Psychic type who holds the Fate of other Pokémon in his hands and has a penchant for cold and self-righteous destruction?

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Mewtwo, of course!

Naturally the only Pokémon for me would be the most powerful of Psychic types, the soft-hearted renegade Mewtwo. However, we are only just beginning. This Mewtwo is untested, and we have no idea where his strengths lie. We have to go deeper.

Mewtwo, I choose you!

So now we’ve discovered the Pokémon, we have to take a look at the Pokéball itself. To the left and right we have “What  I need to leave behind” and “what I need to look forward to” respectively. The top positions from left to right are Friends, Expectations, and Advice, whereas the bottom of the Pokéball is made up of the positions for Enemies, the Unexpected, and the Outcome.

In the center is the release button. This shows us what we need to do in order to “release” our Pokémon to its full potential. It will guide us in applying our Pokémon’s strengths to the situations represented by the other cards. So what does the King of Wands tell us to do in order to unlock Mewtwo’s awesome power?

Turn him into a Fire-type, of course!

This took way longer to do than I would really like to admit.

Aw yiss, so cool

So now that we have this awesome, er, Fire-Psychic type Mewtwo, we’re really ready to kick some ass! Or whatever Pokémon have that pass for one. So now we’ll start unpacking the message of the Pokéball.

The Nine of Cups tells me that the thing I need to Leave Behind is indulgence and wishful thinking. I’m too comfortable! I gotta shake it up! It’s time to stop dreaming of becoming a Pokémon master and get out there and make it happen. It starts with leaving my comfort zone (i.e.  getting kicked out of the house by my mom).

The Eight of Cups tells me that the thing I need to Look Forward to is Change. I’m about to leave on an epic journey to take on the world, I can’t expect to be the same person once I’ve reached the heights of glory. I have to grab the bull by the horns, as the old adage goes. It’s my life, and it’s now or never! Nothin’s gonna last forever!

The Eight of Pentacles tells me that I can Expect to bust my ass, though. Training Mewtwo to bust his ass, that is. My hopes rest firmly in Mewtwo being able to do all the hard work for me, the problem is convincing him that it’s a good idea to do so. It seems I have a tough road ahead of me. With an IQ of about a bazillion, it’s gonna be pretty hard to trick him into doing something he doesn’t want to do, so I’ll have to learn how to press his buttons to make him get up off his lazy, er, tail, and win me some sweet Pokécash.

The Seven of Pentacles says that an Unexpected crossroads will lead me to either success or disaster. It may feel like I’ve Made It, but the game isn’t over! I’m not a Pokémon master yet, It might be time to switch it up and try some new tactics. Wait, what do you mean Water/Dark types are immune to Psychic attacks and resistant to Fire attacks? Well, shit.

The Three of Wands tells me that Friends will find me on the long roads between towns, and will start to see me as the sort of de-facto leader, a “first among equals” if you will. Probably because they know Mewtwo will squish their insides if they don’t listen to me. Although I can expect to find many dangers and challenges out in the wilderness, we’ll come through for each other (probably) and at least keep each other from receiving any mortal injuries (probably).

Looking at my Enemies card, what should appear but the Devil himself! That’s right, this stupid fixation on Pokégods has even infected this reading! It looks like in my quest to become the best I (well, Mewtwo) will lock horns with some Dark or Ghost-type deity Pokémon; or perhaps someone trying to manipulate and control one to their own nefarious ends. *Gasp* Could it be, Team Rocket is up to their old  tricks again!?

If I’m going to start dealing with dupes and demigods I’m going to need some Advice; or perhaps a timely assist from the King of Cups! This could mean that a strong, seasoned Water-type trainer, probably a Gym leader, will come in at just the right time to save me from getting chomped by whatever Pokégod Team Rocket is trying to keep on its puny leash (Arceus forbid). He will probably also give me some key advice about its weak point so I can save the day in cinematic style and send Team Rocket blasting off again!

Thank goodness!

At the end of the day, when the battle is won and we’re basking in the post-coital bliss of deadly combat, the Three of Cups tells us to celebrate! Our spirits have never been higher! Maybe the city or continent we saved from being totally obliterated will decide to throw a festival in our (my) honor. It would never have happened, though, if we hadn’t learned to work as a team.

But wait, the story’s not over! We haven’t even looked at how badly I’ll wreck each of the Gym leaders. Since you can challenge a Gym leader as many times as you like without penalty, I take it as a foregone conclusion that I’ll succeed – eventually. The question is, how? The eight cards surrounding the Pokéball that represent the eight badges of Kanto will tell me the answer.

Just in case you forgot what it looked like.

Starting from the top left, we have the Boulder, Cascade, Thunder, and Rainbow badges, and from the bottom left we have the Soul, Marsh, Volcano, and Earth badges.

Let’s go!

Boulder Badge – Judgment. This is the very first badge you get in Kanto (according to the video game and the anime). This is the time of my testing, when Destiny will either judge me worthy or find me wanting. The question here isn’t whether or not Mewtwo can wipe the floor with this Gym’s weak ass (he can), it’s whether he will do what I tell him to. The key here lies in getting over (forgiving) the trainer-Pokémon relationship and focus on our common goal: becoming total badasses.

Cascade Badge – Four of Cups. How appropriate to have a Water type card for the Water type Gym. This card represents being self-absorbed or making little effort. Now isn’t the time to get cocky, though, because those Water/Dark type Pokémon are going to thrash poor Mewtwo. However, the Four of Cups can also represent periods of necessary reflection and meditation, and by that I mean teaching Mewtwo Megapunch. Goodbye Water/Dark types. Hello, Cascade Badge!

Thunder Badge – Eight of Wands. Well, it looks like my usual tried-and-true method of overleveling for the Water Gym pays off here because this card says to take on the Thunder Gym immediately. There’s no need to train up here even though Mewtwo has no moves that Electric Pokémon are weak to. Perhaps a fortunate turn of events will even allow me to earn the Thunder Badge without actually having to take on the Gym leader.

Rainbow Badge – Page of Cups. This card may suggest that the Rainbow Gym leader is a young boy or girl. However, it doesn’t mean that he or she is a pushover; not that it matters because Grass types are like, super weak to Fire. I might want to take it easy on this one just so he/she doesn’t feel so bad about losing. Also I need to somehow get Mewtwo to try not to burn the place down.

Soul Badge – Nine of Wands. This is the Gym with those super-annoying Poison-types. This card says I need to be on my guard at all times, and refuse to show weakness, because if I can’t knock out this Gym’s Pokémon in the first round it’s going to be a long uphill battle against status effects. Plus I hear the Gym leader’s a ninja.

Marsh Badge – Ace of Cups. The dreaded Psychic-type Gym. Since Psychic is weak against Psychic, Mewtwo is at a disadvantage here. This is where relying on my friendships becomes particularly important, as this card portends a deepening of emotional bonds. Mewtwo and I will both have to dig deep in order to overcome this Gym’s no-doubt very powerful Psychic Pokémon. This could also mark the turn in our relationship where we start to see each other as partners and equals.

Volcano Badge – Two of Swords. Unfortunately, it seems all the character development brought on by the challenge of getting the previous badge was all for nothing, as walls go up and emotions get locked down. This may have something to do with having to face a bunch of Fire-type Pokémon, which presents a complete reversal of the Marsh Gym since Fire is resistant to Fire. It may be that Mewtwo simply doesn’t want to fight. However, the Two of Swords still suggests that some sort of peace can be brokered, and that cooler heads will prevail in the end.

Earth Badge – Five of Pentacles. This card says that hard times are ahead, and not just because this is the toughest Gym, but also because I’m broke! Probably because I spent all my money on Antidotes and Potions back at the Soul Gym, and I’ve been just getting by since then. I guess it’s time to accost hapless trainers and bilk them for money until I can afford to eat something better than instant ramen. Can’t earn a badge on an empty stomach!

So now that we have all the badges, it’s time to trek our way to the Indigo Plateau and take on the Elite Four! Right? Wait, not so fast! Here comes Team Rocket!

Surrender now or prepare to fight!

First up in the Team Rocket lineup we have the notorious King of Pentacles, the wealthy kingpin of the organized crime world of Kanto, who may or may not also happen to be a Gym leader.

Don’t know anyone like that, do you?

Anyway, this card says I need to blow up a top-secret lab or something. Next!

The Page of Pentacles is the mysterious Son of the Devil, the King of Pentacles mentioned earlier (who is linked to the Devil card in the Enemies position). He considers Team Rocket to be weak, and has vowed to take them, and any other weak trainers, to the cleaners. He also hates my guts. Go me! However, he could be a potential ally if he gets over his emo phase.

The next card is the Lovers. So, the secret to beating Team Rocket is…sex? Wait, no! This card represents a dysfunctional duo with a penchant for disguises and theme songs who may or may not be accompanied by a sarcastic cat.

Don’t know anyone like that, do you?

Finally, the card that wraps it all up, the Ten of Swords. This card predicts conflict, lots of conflict; or maybe just the illusion of conflict, since the Lovers often fail to deliver with their half-baked schemes and the Page of Pentacles can’t actually beat me in a fair fight, and I’m far beneath the notice of someone like the King of Pentacles – at least until I start directly interfering with his machinations anyway. In any case, it looks like I’ll have a bunch of filler episodes to suffer through.

Alright, NOW it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. We’ve beaten the Gym leaders, weathered team rocket, and maybe even battled some Legendaries along the way. All that’s left is the Elite Four!

We Are The Champions

The first trainer in the lineup is represented by the Seven of Swords. Because this card has to do with secrets, and is an Air card which points to solitude or moving behind the scenes, I’m going to say that his trainer uses mainly Ghost-type Pokémon. This is bad news since Mewtwo is vulnerable to Ghost moves; but then, so are Ghost Pokémon. Nothing like embracing your dark side to fight fire with fire; er, metaphysically speaking. So there’s only one way to go. Shadow Ball, bitches! Done and done.

The next trainer is represented by the Nine of Swords, an Air card which depicts a figure with wings, so I’m going to be lazy and say that this trainer uses Flying-type Pokémon. This may be a tricky battle because Flying is typically a secondary typing, so I could end up fighting anything from a Golbat to a Gyarados. It would be easy to stress over preparing for this fight, as the Nine of Swords invites me to do, but I can shake it by displaying quiet confidence in Mewtwo’s abilities – and my own.

The Empress represents the next trainer, meaning that they might be using Grass, Bug, or even Normal types. This trainer obviously believes in caring for and nurturing their Pokémon, forming powerful bonds with them, so they will likely gravitate towards things like Chancey/Blissey, Clefable, or Butterfree, though I wouldn’t be surprised to see something like Meganium. My main challenge will be overcoming their high Defense scores, so as long as I pack a few Hyper Potions I should be fine.

Finally, the last of the Elite Four is represented by — the Sun! The fieriest of Fire cards, Mewtwo’s Flamethrower is going to be virtually useless here. However, far more difficult than avoiding the Sun’s heat is escaping its gravity. There’s a reason this guy is at the top of the Elite Four. The  Sun symbolizes vitality and greatness, but in the spiritual sense is also vibrant and illuminating; so what does that mean? Obviously, another Fire/Psychic type! And there’s more fitting candidate than Victini, the Legendary Pokémon of Victory.

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Seriously, it has a V on its head!

After all this, we’ve come up against the one Pokémon that can beat us! How could this have happened? Why didn’t anyone warn us? Who is this guy, that he can capture and tame a legendary Pokémon? There’s no easy way to do this; I have to match his radiance with my own, and trust in my abilities as a trainer, and in Mewtwo. So can I do it? Can I defeat the last trainer and seize Victory? This next card could be the one that determines everything, the final line in the last chapter of my epic adventure. And that card is…

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!?!?!?!

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Defeat!?

Oh no! The Hanged Man? What the heck does that mean!? Doesn’t the Hanged Man symbolize being trapped or getting unexpected results? Or does it mean that all the self-sacrifice that I did to get this far turned out to be worth it and won the day? I need to draw another card to be sure…could this be it for me?

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!?!?!?!

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 A New Challenger!

 Wait, what’s this? A New Challenger has appeared! Could this be…my rival?? The Queen of Wands, perhaps some fiery redhead who I met in my travels, is now the reigning Champion of the Pokémon League? So not only do I have to overcome myself, but now I have to challenge my friends as well. I’ve come this far, there’s no turning back now! One more card and I’ll finally know if I can succeed. Here we go…..!

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!?!?!?!

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Is this the end?

Oh no, Death!? Is that it, it’s over? Death is the card of endings and accepting the inevitable, right? But wait, doesn’t Death symbolize rebirth as well? Maybe, it could be that something happens during the battle to make me – and Mewtwo – realize the power of our bond and transcend the limits of being just a trainer and his Pokémon. I need to know; just one more card…

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!?!?!?!

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Love at first...battle?

What the heck? The Two of Cups? Does that mean…she fell in love with me??? She came all this way to challenge and beat the Elite Four, becoming the Champion, all so she could profess her feelings for me? Jeez, women. Why did she need to do that? Could it be that I was so focused on becoming Champion that I couldn’t even notice anything else, including how she felt about me? Did I really let myself become blinded by the glory of victory? I just wanted some adventure, man! Well, we might as well finish what we started. One more card, to decide my fate. This is it…!

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?!?!?!?.

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VICTORY!

Wait..is this..The World!? I … I did it! I finally won! I have overcome the World and become Champion! All my dreams have come true…I really am the very best! Like no one ever was, even! We made it to the top, Mewtwo! Nothing can stop us now!

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Phew. Well, that was quite a trip. Over 3000 words, I hope you appreciate it. This has been one of the most exciting, stressful readings I’ve done. Also, yes, I realize that this is not tumblr, but I felt like the gifs were necessary. I even made a couple of them myself. Honestly finding the pictures was BY FAR the most time-consuming aspect of this post, but I guess it was worth it.

And let’s not forget the valuable lessons we learned in the course of this adventure, which are…uh…teach your Fire/Psychic Mewtwo Megapunch and Shadow Ball.

Until next time!

[This reading was done on 10/13/13 at 9:40pm EST]

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5 Comments

  1. Want to know the crazy part? I was thinking the night before this reading as I was laying in bed about which cards I would need to get Mewtwo, and to make that joke about turning him into a Fire-type, and I pretty much got those exact cards. Is that wicked or what?

    I knew for sure that I would need the Moon, as well as either the Knight or King of Swords and another Air-type major arcana, maybe the Magician or the Wheel, as well as some kind of Fire card. Then I pulled those cards. It blows my mind.

    I will never doubt the power of the subconscious mind again. I don’t think I’m allowed to, at this point.

  2. So Funny! I’ve got to try that spread out. 😀

    I swear sometimes I feel my cards are sentient and that they’re laughing at me.
    I did my usual morning reading “What can I expect from today?” So, I drew the Nine of Pentacles with the message “Be at one with nature.” You don’t say. Thanks for stating the obvious. It’s not like my club at the local seashore state park was meeting this morning or anything.

    I drew again asking “What challenge will I be faced with today?” I drew the Queen of Pentacles and was immediately confused. For me, this card signifies one thing, my Mom. But I’m at my Dad’s house, it must mean something else, I say to myself. Nope. My Mom comes knocking this afternoon wondering why I’m not ready and packed to come over and visit her house.

    So, thanks Tarot, a lot…

    • Right!? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been amazed at how the cards have talked about events in my life as they were happening. This happened especially with the second part of my Opening of the Key reading. As I worked through the interpretation of the next card, I realized that the thing it was talking about had just happened, either a couple of days or a couple hours ago, to even a few minutes. It was strange.

      Then there are the times, like this, where I let the cards take me on a narrative journey and I have no idea what to expect, and they just blow me away.

      I’ve definitely had the “Thanks a lot, tarot…” thought more than once, too. XD

  3. This was really funny! Well thought out and your deck definitely played along.. until the end! lol how many cards were left when you finally drew the world?? 😛

    • Around 7.

      Just kidding, I don’t actually know XD but I’m glad you had a good time reading it. I feel like I’m as much an entertainer as a writer at times, and that certainly shows through in this post.

      Also, just to be clear…I have no effin’ idea how this reading relates to real life. So don’t even ask.


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